The Beginning-The Butterfly(Written in 2014)

I was reading a post on one of my favorite sites, Divorced Moms.  There are many stories out there by many women thrown away by the man that promised to “love and to cherish till death do we part”.  Empty words and empty promises.  Here is a post by Moxie.  You can feel her pain but she is moving on to better things…

When The Caterpillar Stops Fighting the Inevitable

I was shattered. Pieces of myself were lost, lost forever. I was a shell. Do you know what it feels like to be an empty shell? So lost, with no idea how to find who you were.

For a long time, this was my story. Everything I had to give, what was left, went to my son. Breastfeeding, diaper changes, tummy time, playtime, reading books…. Just going through the motions – anything to just get through another day. I was a broken woman.

This is what I allowed infidelity and divorce to do to me. I am thankful my little kiddo will have no memory of the time when his mommy was lost. I still may not know where I am going but I am glad the fog is lifting. 

I cannot erase the fact I was broken. I cannot erase the hurts. I have acknowledged them, no longer running.   No longer searching, with no idea what I was looking to find. 

I read a book the other day. Wasted a day reading. What a wonderful waste! It was not a book on dealing with infidelity or how to recover after a divorce, but a sci-fi paranormal book. I escaped into another world. It was something I did on a regular basis before my life was too much. I felt a little of my old self-returning.

It was book I purchased during my pregnancy and have looked at almost everyday. Every day saying, “I need to read again”. Yet, I never picked it up to read. I had lost my desire to read. To have your world shattered in such a way that the simple pleasure of reading is gone. That is where I was. This is what I allowed myself to become.

I was shattered and I was broken, but I was not destroyed. I am slowly putting my pieces back together again. I will never be the same. Forever changed. The life I envisioned will never be. I fought the change for so long.

I still do not where I am going. But I know looking backwards is not moving forward. I am learning to let go of those expectations I held on to so tightly. 

I do not expect to be same person I was before. I have changed. The caterpillar has become a butterfly.

 Peace out, Moxie

I can relate in many ways to her story.  I, too, was “shattered,” I call it blindsided by the “man” that promised to love me forever.  I, too, felt lost.  I also went through the motions of a broken woman and can relate to past relationships and a pending divorce, I too was in a fog and could not erase the pain of betrayal.  

One thing I have found in going through this process is that you do lose the joy in the things that you used to love.  The things I loved, such as photography, cooking, reading, singing, and all the other delights I took for granted, became numb to me.  I could not even see them let alone find comfort in them. I, like Moxie, am beginning to feel joy again.  It took months, but I now find some joy in photography again.  I used to love to read, and finally, after more than a year, I have finished a book just for fun.  It is a difficult process to return to joy, but I believe it will happen.

I, too, am feeling like a bit of my old self is returning.  I love so many things and I love the gift of life that God has given me.  I love the beauty of God’s creation.  I love the opportunity to help others going through this pain, a fantastic opportunity.

I like Moxie am not looking backward but am moving forward.  That does not mean I will not tell my story because I hope I can use my experience to help the many others I have found on this journey.  Like Moxie, I am not the same person I was, I too have changed.  

Moxie, you have inspired me.  I think I will go read a Si-Fi book, just for fun.  I can’t wait:-)

“Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.”

Psalm 37:5-7

Remember God is with you and loves you!