The Beginning-“Fearless”

My series is called “The Beginning”.  It is a look back on thoughts, feelings, and events that shaped the early days of my unwanted separation and pending divorce.  This was taken from an old blog post I wrote during the early painful days.

The Beginning

I am reading a book by Max Lucado, it is called “Fearless”.

In his book, Max reminds us that God tells us not to fear.

But how can we not fear!?   In John 16:33 we are told “In the world, you “will” have tribulation”?  But how can we not fear in the face of illness, death, and uncertainty?  How can we not fear when confronted with pain, confusion, hurt, and even despair?  How can we not fear when slapped in the face with unwanted circumstances beyond our control such as abandonment and divorce?

Max tells us in chapter one that there are over 125 times in the Gospels that we are instructed not to fear. He also said the one command that Jesus gave more then any other is for us not to be afraid.

“Take courage, I am here”

Matt. 14:27

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, and trust also in me….”

John 14:1

When my “X” decided  I was not worth his trouble anymore and that he had better things in store for himself, I was blindsided, hurt, confused, afraid, unsettled, disillusioned.  I entered the pit of despair and I let fear overtake me.  In my fear, I had many questions…

How will this affect our family? Will my daughters feel less secure in relationships. Will I get to keep my home?  Will I have health insurance?  Will I have enough to live on?  Will I have enough money to ever retire?  What is going to happen tomorrow?  What is going to happen 10 years from now?  The list of fearful questions went on day after day.  Many of these questions unanswered even today, a year after it all began. In the beginning, I went into a deep depression with suicidal thoughts being my only emotional escape from the pain.  Even with all the new and awful emotions in my life, I kept turning to God for help and direction.  I relied on God’s promises to get me through just one hour, sometimes just one minute.

I am doing slightly better now in the fear category. There are still many questions and a ton of uncertainties.  I still have fears/concerns.  I am learning to keep giving them to God and in that, I find a bit of calm in the storm.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said.  “Take courage.  I am here”

Matthew 14:27

God Bless you on this journey!